ONE QUESTION ( SHE’S ) TO SHY, OR GROSSED OUT TO ASK….

Man-Cestry

ONE QUESTION ( SHE’S ) TO SHY, OR GROSSED OUT TO ASK….

mancestryquestions

I AM MAN……..

“HEAR ME ROAR” would just be way to cliché — so instead I will say

” How you dooooin?”…Now that the girls have giggled and thrown up in their mouths, I can happily begin my first post for Here and Sphere.

Woman are funny, disturbing, wildly attractive, and insanely annoying creatures. They have brilliant minds, and Jedi tricks — their super powers are kind of awesome — also THEY PISS ME OFF TO NO END.

However: without them life would SERIOUSLY be a GIANT boring sausage fest, of gaming, messy houses, unshaven…..well…EVERYTHING….and TOTAL BOREDOM.

So in the spirit of these brazen, self – starting, and completely  bewildering Goddesses…. <—-(hoping I scored points there, though doubtful) — I give a peace-offering of sorts. INFORMATION, yup that’s right…. I may even break guy code here — so hopefully no one puts a hit on me. IF I live to see another day, MEN — Will at some point thank me….. I PROMISE…

HERE IS A QUESTION, WOMAN WANT ANSWERED — BUT ARE TO SHY TO ASK:

Q. Numero Uno) Why in the hell does it take so damn long for a guy to take a crap?

A. Well my lovely Fast Crapper’s, and power pusher’s of the world;                  1.) WE ENJOY THE DAMN SILENCE. The reason that porcelain god is called a “Throne” is — for when we sit upon it We are one again King of OUR castle.  ”If” we share a domicile, that means that at some point…..YOU WON. We surrendered our hearts and spare key, to the woman we knew should be ” Our Queen”. 

2.) The Solace of the “poop room” helps us to think…. ( Yes we really do that thinking thing….smart-ass) It’s a “Turd World Country” but it is rich in plushCottonelle butt paper. Plus there are hand-towels..neatly folded and perfectly placed hand-towels (that we KNOW we are NOT supposed to touch — since they are simply there to look pretty.)

3.) THERE ARE NO RULES…Other than the hand-towel NO-NO!!!! In the “Palace of Poo” we men are FREE. We are allowed by human-ism, and possibly god given right — to obnoxiously fill the air — with our rancid man-ufactured, possibly toxic, tear-inducing ass perfume. AND THERE…..It is acceptable….even encouraged.

4.) Finally and most honestly –IT FEELS GOOD….. There I said it.. After all we worked hard for that feeling of accomplishment. After stuffing our faces behind the backs of our beloved queens, and slowly digesting our gluttonous bounty — it feels GREAT to know….. OUR CRAP STILL WORKS……….

mancestry3

Your Friend: Lost in Mans-lation

COFFEE OR VODKA ? PARENTING 911 : MEMORIAL DAY DISMAY

Dear: Parenting 911 :

Last year around Christmas we lost my Father in law. He was a very sweet and genuine man. My husband Jason does not have the fondest memories of his father, but my son Seth does. Walter was an awesome Grandpa. He was funny, goofy, and the ever reigning practical joke- King. I met Walter only a month before Jason and I got married. For most of our dating relationship I never even knew he existed. I was aware that Jason’s mother left Walter when Jason was very young. From what I’ve been told: she was a bit loony: however Walter insists that she was suffering from some mental illness associated with Jason’s birth. He also has implied on several occasions: that she was unhappy for several years after Walter returned from war. Jason believes his father was abusive, not to him but her.
I don’t know what to believe.I just know I have a son, who is heartbroken. A father in law who is hated, loved, and missed: and a husband who does not deal with any of it.

My son Seth started school this year. Last week he learned all about Memorial day, and what it means. He was taught that it is a day we show an extra bit of gratitude and thanks to our Veterans. Seth knows his Grandpa was in a war: and now wants to celebrate his life, and heroism. Jason refuses to acknowledge his father as anything but a bad memory….

Help Please…….

Sincerely,

I don’t care just fill-er-up

Dear: Fill-er-up

First, congratulations on seeing where this could impact the sweet little sponge: that is your 5 year old son. That age is so full of impact having, and defining moments. Seth is trying to first figure out his spot on the family tree. Who to mimic, who to ignore, as well as who to love. As a parent and much like Walter, you LOVE unconditionally. If I had to guess: I would say it is very likely that you we’re loved unconditionally as well. Jason see’s parenting, and the bond there-in as “conditional”….. Jason see’s parenting, as a choice he makes everyday to participate in Seth’s life. In both you and Jason’s life someone, or several someones,impacted your life: your way of thinking, the way YOU would describe parenting.
Jason’s jaded view is not necessarily wrong ( for him ). He is allowed to feel that way, he is allowed to hurt, and even to be angry. However what he is NOT allowed to do: is apply those feelings to his way of parenting. That is not only bad for Seth, but as you are feeling right now- bad for your PARENTAL UNIT, and relationship. My advice for dealing with Jason……..HAVE A SERIOUS TALK.

Guidelines to said discussion:

A) Do not be threatening, judgmental, or brash. Remember: He is not wrong for his feelings. He is however accountable for how he exhibits them.

B) Ask him what he thinks is the truth about his mother’s absence. Why did she leave?, If he can’t / won’t tell you, perhaps he needs to visit the idea of talking to someone professionally. Cognitive therapy is a structured way of dealing with things that you could not and should not personally take on- or attempt to advise on.

C) Explain your feelings to him, give him a chance to react like a grown up, and parent.

D) Continue to be his loving wife but…..BE A MOTHER FIRST. Always put what’s best for Seth ahead of what’s easier, what’s nice, and what’s best for the husband. A mother that puts herself or partner first is NEVER happy and often loses both in the long run. A partner can be talked to, helped to see right from wrong, and comprehend things in a way a child can not. We can’t always fix the damage we cause to our children……Your husband is proof……
( “Editor’s note” When saying “Be a mother first”, it is not because I, or anyone else would think you would not: because in all fairness your first inclination in the face of such a problem was to seek advice. That is the stuff GREAT moms are made of…)

ON TO THE BOY………

What an exciting time, when they start growing up, and realizing all the things that make the world go round, and all the people to thank for why it still does. Seth is absorbing his surroundings with intensity and the hunger to learn every day.

What he learns is obviously very important. Since as parents you are his First roll model’s, it is imperative to be good ones. Our actions are our children’s first ideas about how to think, act, love, hate, and be.

Regardless of how “Jason” feels about Walter, Memorial day is much more than one man. We as American’s are lucky enough to have a long list- including a whole wall and so many more tributes to our veterans and fallen soldiers. We are lucky to have veterans and fallen soldiers at all. Show Seth some pictures via the internet, or in person if you can. Showing him a great respect for lives given, people wounded, and battles fought with courage, and honor: is a great way to help him participate in the holiday while honoring, and paying respect to a man he loved.

I believe even your husband can’t argue with the the meaning of the day. I’m sure there are a few things he could find a way to participate in himself.

Memorial day is a wonderful chance to show Seth the blessings of giving back.

http://www.voa.org/landing?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=assumed%2Bterms&cn=ccs&ebcmp=10145557&advid=81984&ebag=2427698&ccsurl=$$http://clickserve.dartsearch.net/link/click?lid&cn=ccs&ebcmp=10145557&advid=81984&ebag=2427698&ccsurl=$$http://clickserve.dartsearch.net/link/click?lid&cn=ccs&ebcmp=10145557&advid=81984&ebag=2427698&ccsurl=$$http://clickserve.dartsearch.net/link/click?lid&cn=ccs&ebcmp=10145557&advid=81984&ebag=2427698&ccsurl=$$http://clickserve.dartsearch.net/link/click?lid&cn=ccs&ebcmp=10145557&advid=81984&ebag=2427698&ccsurl=$$http://clickserve.dartsearch.net/link/click?lid&ebkw=87906344&ebkw=87906344&ebkw=87906344&ebkw=87906344&ebkw=87906344&sead=20895971235&sead=20895971235&sead=20895971235&sead=20895971235&sead=20895971235
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/11/10/iyw.help.vets/index.html

Or find other programs in which to volunteer.

If his Grandfather’s grave is not too far away, or if maybe he was laid to rest in a cemetery specifically for war veterans- perhaps paying a visit with fresh flowers or a special flag with Seth would be a nice outing.

Hope some of it helps and maybe through the years, Jason will come around to. Happy Memorial Day !!!

— Sincerely, Parenting 911

Chairs to Bedtime, I’ll drink to that!! From Coffee or Vodka? Parenting 911

Dear: Parenting 911

Hi, I really enjoy reading your blog / article.  As a first time mom everything is new territory for me, and your blog has been a go to guide for me lately. That being said, my four year old Abel is posing a huge sleep issue in my home….EVERY NIGHT Abel refuses to sleep anywhere except my bed. Recently my boyfriend Mark and I finally took the next step of our three year relationship and moved in together.

Prior to the new place Abel had ALWAYS slept with me. It was a an easy and convenient solution to the problem of sharing a single bedroom in my parents home. Although Mark and Abel are very close, and Mark treats him like his own; Mark and I both feel uncomfortable having Abel in ( OUR ) bed. Now I feel guilty trying to change this by demanding he stay and sleep in his own room.

Since I started and enabled this sleep ritual, I don’t want him to feel that I’m deliberately “being mean” because of Mark, or choosing my boyfriend over my son. This lack of sleep and the awful discomfort of trying to cram into a toddler bed so Mark gets some sleep is relentless torture. I / we really need Abel to begin to separate sleep with ” Our bed”.

How can I please everyone?
Sincerely — A night cap.

Dear: A night cap :
Okay so you clearly recognize the problem that’s a great start. The problem being you made the rules early on, and now you want to change them. In a four year old’s world you might as well have packed his things and left him on a doorstep. Being evicted from mommy’s bed, where, it’s safe, warm, comfortable, and inviting…..is a mortal sin to a four year old…What are you thinking mom? The problem now is…You are doing the right thing, and your ALL paying for it. Its an extremely difficult thing to live in and share the confines of one bedroom. Since that is no longer the case, and you have a new environment -you now have the ability to establish new boundaries.

Every fairy tale with a happy ending has a villain. So break out you horns and pitchfork, AbeHELL is about to have a melt down .With new living arrangement comes new routines- START THERE :
A) Make a bedtime checklist perhaps on poster board or something he can see EVERY NIGHT. With every completed task let him put a sticker on the board beside the task. Tell him that once he reaches (the amount you deem appropriate), he will receive a prize. But the prize should always involve” special mommy and Abel time”. Try doing something new with him. Do activities that promote independence, and interactions , or that have the potential to build his social skills. Set the bedtime goals to things he is sure to complete.  I.E.: Get into PJ’s, pick out a book, brush teeth etc. The last task being to ”  get in his own bed” and stay there till morning, when he can add a GIANT sticker for staying in his bed all night.
B) Make sure his “new” room is aesthetically pleasing to him. Have him help with picking the decor. Perhaps putting a recognizable and familiar thing in his room matching the one in yours; be it a painting or picture of the two of you.
C) Take him to Build-a-Bear and make him a “sleep buddy” or “bed friend”. Most Build-a-Bear’s offer a recording device that you can build right into his buddy. Record your voice singing lullabies,  or a few soothing words. That way when he is lonely, scared, or uncomfortable  squeezing his buddy and hearing your voice can at least curb the temptation to run to the  ”  safe haven”that is- your bed.
D) Try to duplicate the feel of your bed. As your aching spine is all to familiar with the unacceptable feel of a toddler bed; with its  over- starched 50 / 50 poly-cotton blend sheets and crunchy crib mattress, a toddler bed is ( just not the same).
E) BE CONSISTENT………. I can’t stress that enough…
If you cave or give in,  even a portion of the time, this WILL NOT work. Stick to the parental play book and DON’T. Back down. Four year olds sniff out weakness like a vulture smells an injured animal from the sky.
F) If by now all else has failed, and the monotonous “musical beds” game is still in full swing, then pull up a chair……literally. Time for some Jedi mom tricks! >>>>
1) Do the bedtime routine chart as usual.
2) This time mentally and physically prepare for a two week stint in “The Battle of Wills”.
3) Grab a chair.
4) After the story time part of your routine, shut off the main light, turn on his night light ( though I think a small fish tank is far more helpful).
5) Have a giant hugs and kisses session saying goodnight.
6) Put the chair right up to his bed,
7) Explain that you are going to sit there while he falls asleep.
8) Sit quietly.(If he continues to talk, DO NOT engage him, you simply ignore his request for attention. I know it seems harsh but it’s not, IT’S EFFECTIVE.
9) If he gets out of bed, he gets a warning, and placed back in bed lovingly one more kiss and hug, an I Love You and a Goodnight. If he continues to get up after that-firmly but calmly return him to his bed without a word. ( Repeat as many times as necessary till he has fallen asleep…IN HIS BED).
10) Each night of the two weeks move the chair just a few inches toward the door and away from his bed. By the end of week two you should be sitting outside his doorway, then not at all.
He will soon realize his incessant crying, whining, and sleep refusals…are useless. By night 6 this should be a cake walk for you both.
Hope this helps…..
Sincerely — Heather C of.
!!Coffee
Or Vodka!! Parenting 911
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